Assertiveness is often spoken about as if it’s a personality trait some people naturally have and others simply don’t. But many people carry complicated feelings about speaking up — especially if they were raised in environments where their needs were minimized, conflict felt unsafe, or they were taught (directly or indirectly) that being agreeable was the safest way to belong.
Assertiveness isn’t about pushing, forcing, or becoming someone you’re not. It’s a gentle practice of honouring your needs while still caring for the relationship in front of you. It can look quiet, thoughtful, or even tender. It’s less about "standing your ground" and more about standing with yourself.
🌿 What Assertiveness Really Means
At its heart, assertiveness is the ability to communicate from a grounded place — one where your needs matter and so do the needs of others. It’s a kind of steady middle ground between staying silent and escalating into conflict.
For many people, this feels unfamiliar. If you grew up needing to stay small, agreeable, or hyper-aware of others' emotions, being assertive may stir discomfort. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong; it simply means your nervous system is asking for gentleness as you learn something new.
Why Assertiveness Can Feel Complicated
Many of us learned patterns like:
- Keeping the peace is safer than speaking up
- Other people’s emotions matter more than our own
- Saying "no" creates distance or disappointment
- Expressing needs makes us "too much"
- Staying quiet keeps relationships stable
If these messages were present in your early environment, stepping into your voice now may feel shaky or foreign. Sometimes even imagining being assertive can bring up guilt, anxiety, or a sense of danger.
This is your body remembering old conditions, not a sign that you shouldn’t speak. Healing asks for patience, not pressure.
What Assertiveness Can Sound Like
Rather than sharp statements or firm lines, assertiveness often sounds simple and human:
- "I’m feeling a bit stretched right now."
- "I'd like to think about that before I answer."
- "I hear what you’re saying, and this is how it feels for me."
- "I don’t think I can commit to that."
These aren't commands — they’re gentle openings into clearer communication.
Boundaries as a Kind of Care
Boundaries sometimes get framed as rigid walls, but they can also be formed with softness. A boundary can be a quiet internal recognition of what feels sustainable for you.
It might look like:
- Noticing when your energy feels depleted
- Giving yourself permission to pause
- Deciding what you can take on and what you can't
- Creating a little more space around things that overwhelm you
Boundaries don’t require confrontation. Often, they begin as small acts of self-respect.
If Assertiveness Feels Uncomfortable
For many people, practicing assertiveness brings up old fears or familiar survival responses. Rather than pushing past them, it can be more supportive to:
Take things slowly
You don't need to change your communication style overnight. Your pacing matters.
Bring awareness to your body
Sometimes placing a hand on your chest or taking one quiet breath can create enough steadiness to continue.
Speak in a way that feels true to you
Your assertiveness doesn't need to be blunt to be valid. Using your own words — in a tone that feels authentic, and aligned with who you are — can shape the message in a way that feels right for you.
Your needs have a place here too
This may take time to believe, and that's okay.
Practice in relationships that feel safe
It’s easier to start where you feel supported.
When Assertiveness Intersects with Trauma
If you have a trauma history — particularly experiences shaped by emotional neglect, criticism, unpredictability, or environments where your voice wasn’t welcomed or safe — finding your way into assertiveness can stir older protective patterns. These patterns often form not only in families, but also in broader systems shaped by power, identity, culture, and oppression.
You might notice yourself bracing, apologizing quickly, over-explaining, softening your truth, or going quiet altogether. These aren't signs of weakness or inadequacy. They are adaptive responses your body learned to keep you safe in contexts where speaking up carried real risk — socially, relationally, or structurally.
Therapy can offer a supportive space to gently explore these patterns with care and curiosity, without judgment. It can help you reconnect with parts of your voice that learned to stay small for very understandable reasons, and to begin reshaping them at a pace that honours your lived experiences and the systems that shaped them.
A Gentle Reminder
It's possible that as you begin expressing your needs more clearly, some people may react with surprise, frustration, or confusion — especially if they were accustomed to you staying quiet. Their reaction doesn't determine your worth or the validity of your needs.
Growth often brings shifts in how relationships feel. That's not a sign to retreat. It's a sign that something is changing.
You can take this slowly. You can pause. You can decide what works for you. Assertiveness is not a performance — it's a gradual return to yourself.
If you're exploring assertiveness and finding it tender, unfamiliar, or emotionally charged, you’re not alone. Many people move through similar experiences, especially when their early environments made it hard to feel safe speaking up.
At Sahana Wellness, our counsellors offer calm, compassionate, trauma-informed support. We walk with you as you learn to understand your needs, communicate with more clarity, and build boundaries that feel protective rather than harsh. Growth can happen gently, at your pace, and without pressure.
You deserve relationships where your presence is welcome and your voice is honoured.
— The Sahana Wellness Team
